For Ed, in memory of his dear wife, Barbara..

12-31-2010, Today you slipped away, going on a journey I cannot yet take. My heart feels heavy as you pass by; a tear slips down my face as I wonder why you’ve left me behind. I think of all the treasured times, the smiles we shared, the sweet little moments. I smile sadly as I wait, for the time we may smile together yet again…
R.I.P. Barbara.

Blackness calling.

Walking down this road, who would ever think, that I feel utterly alone? From the smiles, and joy, that show upon my face. No one would know that I feel like falling, down into the blackness that’s there, and always calling. I look into its depths, and feel fear, and curiosity. But those black depths are dangerous, and will pull you in… and how would you escape once you fell in?

Goodbye?

My heart breaks in two, when I look at you. I never knew exactly how, I felt for you, and now I’ll never know… And as I whisper goodbye when you pass by, a small smile lights up your eyes, a tear slips down my face. I’ll never know how I felt or why you left, but now I know, this time has passed. So it’s time to start anew, and find the one, who’s more important than you.

Because, maybe, possibly?

Why do I have to conform myself to what you want, why can’t you just accept me like I am? Why can’t me being me, be enough? Why is it whenever I do something good, you don’t notice, probably because you only notice what I do wrong… or probably just don’t care? I don’t get it, and probably never will, and maybe I don’t care, maybe I just want you to take your stupid conforming attitude and shove it. I just want to be noticed for who I am, not who you try to make me be. I don’t care if I’m not exactly what you want, or exactly who you want me to be. I just want to… hmm... what do I want? Possibly, I want you to look closer, and know that I’m upset, and feel trapped, because of you. Because of you, I’m afraid to show who I am, because of you… I’m afraid to show what I do, because I don’t want to be rejected or put down by you, again. I never understood you, just as you never understood me, but atleast I tried. Atleast I gave it some effort, did you? I don’t think you did, because it doesn’t feel like it.
Well, I just want you to know, I’m tired of it, I’m tired of the shit… and I’m not going to suffer much longer, because when I say goodbye and walk away, will you then realize, you didn’t try? That you didn’t listen, didn’t see?...

Feeling the blackness creeping towards me, wishing I could escape its cold advance. Looking for a way out, and finding none.
Feeling defeat slipping upon me, I crumble underneath the weight of despair. Calling out, only for no one to hear, screaming my frustration into the air. I curse those who didn’t listen, or just didn’t care…

Silent tears that are never seen, the rain washes away all traces of pain. Standing in a storm, who would ever know just how much I've been hurt, or how much pain I've known. I love the rain, for it doesn't judge me as I cry, it hides my tears, and lets me see, that even the world cries tears of loss, and tears of pain...

Cruisin' the Road.

So you’re walking along a road, a road we call life. How do you know where you’re going? There are so many stops, turns, “streets”, and “signs”, how do you know where to turn? You don’t, it’s not like you get a map to help you along. And that’d be weird, and funny, “The map to life,” if we had something like that would it help or would it make things more confusing? I can’t be sure, but you just have to try, and find your path. You’ll probably take a lot of different paths, but hey life’s got a lot of twist and turns. It’s something you kind of have to get used to, or if you don’t then you’ll always get startled or surprised by some new turn.
It’s also easy to get lost on the road, but you’ll find your way. You just have to keep goin’ and enjoy the scenery, if possible. If not try to speed through the rough patches. And try not to hit any speed bumps along the way, just try to keep cruisin’. And there’s nothing better than some good music during a long ride, so turn up the tunes.
And it’s amazing what kind of stuff pops into your head at 2:20am, when you can’t sleep… Anyway, that’s about it for now.

Enjoy the ride..

Ah, life is a f__cked up rollercoaster, so hang on, and try to enjoy the up’s, down’s, and crazy turns. Screaming sometimes helps. :)

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe..

Maybe, I’m not who you want me to be. Maybe, I do what I want instead of what you want. Maybe, you don’t think I’m perfect, but maybe I think I am? Maybe, you just need to accept me, for all my craziness, and flaws. Maybe you need to try to see it from my point of view, maybe I should stop caring what you think. Maybe, I should try to get away from all your demands. Maybe, I need to try to do things my own way more often. Maybe, I should just be myself, not matter what you think… Maybe, I’m tired of waiting, for you to see how great I really am. Maybe, I don’t need you after all?

Feel the burn?

Ever feel the burn, of holding in how you actually feel? You want to let it out, but can’t, or atleast you feel like you can’t.
You try to hide your feelings, sadness, anger, depression, pain, the list goes on. You smile, and act as if everything’s fine, you pretend everything is fine. Even if you feel like screaming at the world, asking what the hell, you don’t, and if you did that, people might think you’re a little crazy, we’re all a little crazy though; just no one wants to admit it. I try not to let people know, when something bothers me, I try to accept whatever is thrown at me. It’s not always easy, and sometimes I feel like I’m drowning, being weighed down, by everything I take, and don’t give, I just keep gaining all the crap people throw at me… the bad stuff is like rocks, imagine, you’re drowning, and something keeps tying rocks to you, it weighs you down, more, and more. And you can’t get free of the weight, and you can’t escape to the surface for freedom.
It creates a pain in your chest that never seems to lesson, and it’s hard to forget what people have said to you. People don’t realize, it’s easy to say crap to someone, and then forget it. But it’s a lot harder for the person who had crap said to them, to forget what’s been said. If you walk up to someone, and say they’re ugly or stupid, they’ll always remember that, think back on it, and that’s one of the rocks, that’s going to weigh them down, for a long time, maybe even forever.

By- V

Falling apart…ever so slowly, feeling my heart break in two. Wishing I could stop the pain, wishing I could help you… but I can only watch as it flashes across your face… it tears me apart, to have to watch... Reaching out for you, only to fall short, seeing the tears run down your face… knowing I can’t fix it, but wanting to so badly…but all I can do is say I’m sorry…

Used and Confused

I’m tired of waiting, waiting for you to see how special I really am. I’m tired of being last, I’m tired of caring and not getting the same care, I don’t want to be second or third or whatever number I may be in your life, if you don’t care for me as I care for you then let me go. Don’t hold me here, promising me things and breaking them over and over; don’t make me believe in you only to be lied to. Set me free, I’m tired of being the one who sits here in case you lose someone else, the shoulder you cry on, then the one you leave when someone new comes along. You won’t hold me but you won’t let me go either, you keep me in a cage for your own benefit. I don’t understand why I’m not good enough, or why I’m not enough for you. I’m confused, and wish I knew what was wrong with me… I wish I understood the reasons of why you treat me so, but alas I doubt I’ll ever know.
So here’s something you should listen to, I’m special, maybe not for you but for someone else, I’m good enough for others even if I may not be for you, they care for me when you do not. I’m escaping your lies, and setting myself free, I’m turnin’ myself loose, I’m escaping this cage you’ve put me in, so goodbye and good luck. Don’t try to catch me, don’t try to stop me, I’m leaving because I deserve better than this and you.

Wondering if anyone feels as alone as I do…wishing I knew if someone is actually there for me, knowing I just need to wait, and feeling crushed because it’s taking so long. Not knowing if I’m waiting for someone special or nothing at all… but there must be someone out there? Someone who knows how I feel, and knows how to make me feel better. Someone I can connect with, someone who will always care about me no matter how crazy I might get. Someone I can always trust, and go to when I need to talk, who will be there when I want a hug. Someone who can tell if I’m upset even if I smile as if nothing is wrong, they’ll be there to talk or just to listen. Someone I don’t have to be afraid to turn to… I’ll be able to tell them everything, and they’ll still love me even if I sound crazy, even if I don’t fit in. someone who thinks I’m amazing even if I don’t think I am. So, I’m still waiting for that special someone…

Change or not?

Do you ever wish you could go back and change one thing in your life? Just to make it different? I know I’ve thought about it, but to be honest if I had the chance to change something in my life, I more than likely wouldn’t, the reason it’s happened is because that’s the way it was meant to be. Do I really want to change it? I’d have to think long and hard before I did…because just changing one tiny thing could change everything, instead of just that one tiny thing you thought about changing. Sometimes things happen that never should have, or at least you feel that way, but in the long run it might end up helping you. It will definitely end up turning you into the person that you are, or are going to be. My life’s not perfect but it’s good, I like the way it is, some things I don’t like but hey nothings perfect. So I try to enjoy it, and just deal with the tuff stuff.
It’s not always easy though but you just gotta try, and when you feel like quitting keep trying. It’s not going to be easy, ‘cause life’s a bitch (excuse my language). But if life was easy…well what kind of people would we be? I can’t tell ya ‘cause I don’t know… but let’s keep dealing with the stuff Life puts us through, and try to have fun while we’re at it.

Sad moments

The pain and sorrow of lose, will never slacken. No matter how many times, you go through it’ll still rip a new hole in your chest every time. Make you think of everything you’ve lost or done wrong, feel alone and lost. But the pain will subside we just have to fight it out. If only it were possible to take away the pain others feel, help the pain to pass more quickly. But just being there for them will have to do, so if you know someone who’s hurting or feels alone let them know you’re there for them, and help them as best you can. Even if they say they don’t need it, stay there anyway. Let them know they’re cared for, and that they’re not alone.
Those moments of lose can tear us apart from the inside, making us cry and wonder if anyone even sees our pain. It makes us wish that we’d never been born, or were living in a different time or way. It’s hard to fight through it, it’s hard to know if things will get better, and it makes us sad and feel alone. We just need to find what makes us happy and try our best to escape the pain, learn to live, to fight. No matter how hard it seems at the time it can get better it might take a while or a really long time, but the fighting is worth it, it’ll make you a stronger better you, and teach you about yourself. So try, even if you want to give in push that thought away and keep going. <3

About yourself

It’s hard to tell people about yourself, because there’s always so much to say, your dreams, likes, dislikes, wants, what you want to do for your future, and more. I think it’s almost impossible to tell someone everything about yourself, and if they did know everything about you then where’s the surprise? It’d also be kind of weird if they knew everything, because there should always be a little mystery. And some things you don’t want people to know, it might be something bad, or just a little memory that makes you happy and you don’t want to tell anyone. And some list are just too long to say, or it’s hard to say. I’m kind of off track with what I’m supposed to be writing but hey sometimes you just have to write what you feel or think; normally I just let myself go when I write. I might have been planning on writing something but normally I end up typing something totally different, sometimes you just get a flow and you have to let yourself go and follow it. Sometimes people are just too up-tight to let themselves go, or try not to go with the flow, everything must be planned and orderly. I’d rather have a spontaneous moment than a planned one…if you plan everything you can never enjoy the surprise of something that just happens. Anyway…sorry if I’ve lost you, I’ll try to stay on track.
Okay about myself.
I’m a music lover I like anything basically, give me a good song that’s what I like. Rock and music I can dance to are at the top of the list.
I love animals, wolves and red tailed hawks are in my top favorites.
I love to sketch/draw, I’m thinking about becoming an artist and writer, I just love to write and sketch, when I write I feel like I can say exactly how I feel and I don’t care if anyone doesn’t like it, I don’t even have to let people read it, and when you write you can be whoever, do whatever, or be where ever you want to be. Writing gives you a freedom like nothings else can.
The best way to get to know me really is to talk to me, ask me questions, or be there when I need someone to talk to. I’ve had people that I felt I could trust and they said I could trust them and that ended up being a complete lie, so I’ve been hurt, I find it hard to trust people, and if I do end up trusting you and you break my trust it’s almost impossible to earn it back, and I’ll never trust you as I had before.
But I can’t complain everyone ends up getting hurt in life, pain is part of life even if we don’t like it, but it’s easy to feel like no one else feels the way you do, you might think no one knows how much you hurt, but people feel the pain, it’s just most people don’t talk about it. I’m one of those people, I’d rather not bother people with how I feel, I’d rather bottle it up and hide it than show how much something hurts, what someone says might be like a slap across the face, but I’ll just take it and hide the pain and move on, but if people keep picking at me I can only take so much…sometimes once I’ve taken so much I’ll explode the next time someone thinks they can say crap to me without me doing anything.
It’s not always like that but most of the time it is, I don’t like to hurt people but if they hurt me sometimes I just can’t help it, and I don’t understand why people try to break other people by saying the meanest crap they can to them or about them. It really pisses me off, but I can’t seem to do anything about it. If people were more considerate and not such ass holes we might not have the problem with people wanting to end their lives… anyway I’m off track again sorry. But really, if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t freakin’ say it. I don’t see the point in saying things to purposely hurt people.
Anyway, again sorry, I’m normally a mellow person who sometime has a crazy, wild, hyper side to them; when you have a problem I try to help as best I can, if someone talks to me about something they don’t want people to know, then I don’t see the point in telling everyone something that’s not mine to tell. Well, this list is getting really long already and I’ve hardly even talked about things I like, I’ll have to do that in my next post.(Sorry Maikeru)

Freedom
Freedom, you can always be free or let yourself feel captured. If you believe yourself free then you always will be, if you don’t want to be felt captured then no one can make you feel so. Your spirit will always soar if you let it do so; don’t let someone break your spirit. Freedom is how you believe it to be, no one can take it away as long as you don’t believe they can. They can never take the freedom of your thoughts, mind, they may take your body and put it in a cell, but your mind they can’t put that in a cage unless you allow them to. If you believe someone can capture your mind or spirit, then they can. Always believe yourself free in your mind, for in your mind you can soar to places no one can ever reach you.
Freedom is in the “eye” of the beholder, so use that to your advantage. Don’t let things pull you down and tell you you’re not free because that’s a lie, unless you believe them.
Fly high, high on life.

What is the meaning of life?
This question has been asked millions of times, and will be asked many more times. Because we all have different ideas of the meaning of life, or we don’t so we try searching for it. We only have ideas, we can never be sure, and maybe the meaning of life is to live as fully as you can. Maybe, you’re supposed to try to make yourself happy, and the one who you fall in love with. I think we should try to explore the world, be as happy with ourselves as possible, and try not to let other people ruin our day. Don’t let something little ruin a perfectly good day, lots of things will happen during life. That’s why we learn so many things, so when you feel like screaming or crying, try to smile and work past it, think about something that you like or love. And I think we should all live life to the fullest, I believe that’s the basic idea for the meaning of life. We all need to live life as best we can, we need to fight through the hard times and find joy in the good times. Sometimes it seems like the hard times will never end, or have been going on forever, but if you aren’t happy with what’s going on in your life try to change it. So enjoy life, smell the roses ^^. Enjoy even the littlest things, because the smallest things can bring us the biggest joy.

Live life to the fullest, enjoy the little things, smell the roses, and play in the rain (:

Listening but not Judging

Why do people feel so alone these days? Is it because we can’t seem to trust anyone anymore, because most of the time they’ll turn around and stab you in the back. And turn away when you fall, as if you don’t care. So many people only think about themselves…if they continue to do that they’ll never have any true friends, they need to think more before they just stab someone in the back. Those words that were spoken in confidence with whomever, if they asked you not to tell anyone about it then you do. When they find out it’s going to feel like a knife stabbed them, for the written word is a powerful thing. Words are like fire-ants, so tiny and insignificant yet they hurt like hell if they get a hold of you. (Sorry if the “H” word offended anyone) Anyway…I wish I could help people, because I know what it’s like to feel alone, and feel like you have no one to talk to. But I can’t help everyone in the world. Sigh. So I try to help my friends as much as I can, hoping it’s enough but feeling like it’s not. I think everyone just needs someone who will listen, not judge, or tell everyone what they said. Because if we all had someone like that, then I think people would feel a lot better.
If I could I’d talk to anyone who needed someone to listen to them, because if someone tells me something then I know it’s not mine to share with other people. And I know not many people feel that way, but I wish they did it’d solve a lot of problems.

People
We’re so complex; it’s amazing how confusing we are to each other, or how we can be so judgmental before we even know someone else, like the saying “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
Well, unfortunately we do that a lot; I don’t know if we try or if it just happens. We’ll see someone and go “Oh, I better not go near them they look weird,” I mean we don’t always use that “term” but it works for the moment. I’ve always wondered what it’d be like if people got along all the time, instead of disagreeing or not liking someone for their music, clothes. It’s really quite stupid, not liking someone because they like something else. We all need to “Agree to disagree,” more. I think it’d save us all a lot of trouble and aggravation, but alas. I doubt anyone would even try to work together better.
It’d be nice, but I think it’s inconceivable. A lot of people might not agree with me, but just because someone doesn’t follow what everyone else is doing that doesn’t make them a bad person. And it doesn’t mean you can’t talk to them or hang out with them, I mean really come on. Someone likes rap music instead of rock doesn’t mean they can’t be friends with someone who likes rock but doesn’t like rap, if they ever go on a road trip they might argue a bit, but hey everyone argues. It’s just in our nature I guess. It makes me laugh sometimes how little things can start the biggest disagreements, and we’re born original, so don’t die a copy! I like being myself, sometimes people don’t like me because of it, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop being myself. So if you don’t like someone, don’t talk bad about them, and if they talk bad about you. Then they’re just lonely losers who have to make other people feel bad, so they feel good about themselves. Try not to stoop to their level, be the good person and walk it off. And that’s asking a lot, I know. It’s so hard to ignore some stuff, because it just tears at you from the inside, they say “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” sometimes that’s true but other times it’s very wrong. Because words no matter how insignificant they seem, can do a lot of damage. So think before you speak, if you can. Sometimes you can’t stop what you have to say.
This might not make much sense to some people, but hopefully some other people understand what I’m saying.